Honor

Her shriek is raw, snapping all the world’s quiet

As dreams, unborn tumble into the abyss of almost.

I don’t know this sound; an anguish that pierces my soul.

With what little strength I have, I grab her hand,

Weaving through the grooves of her sorrow,

Though my grip is frail.

The geography of her face is foreign to me,

As the doctor explains the terrain of a pain

I cannot mend. A black hole I cannot save her from.

Nah, this can’t be right. Look again! Refusing to accept my wife’s body,

As the site of such an inexplicable vanishing—

A promise left lingering in the world of daydreams.

She asks me and the doctor to leave the room,

Needing a moment to plead with the universe.

From the hallway, I hear her sobbing, an ocean devouring her smile.

My knuckles meet the steel door of a sterile hospital room,

Attempting to punch away our misfortune, until I can replace it

With something she actually deserves. For all of the IVF shots,

The nights we debated over names, the anxiety attacks about money,

And the moments we pinched ourselves at the idea of being chosen

How do you stitch a wound living in the syllables of a name never called?

There is nothing to say, when spun into a vortex of unspeakable loss.

We spend weeks huddled around grief like a campfire,

Telling silent ghost stories about the people we stopped being

Just days before. Nurturing a flame so small it could be mistaken for hope.

In the most somber hours, when the world took its deepest breath,

I sat beside her, staring at the slight crescent of her unhoused belly,

For so long, I swore I heard a heartbeat, but it was actually planets collapsing

In the cavities of my chest. And I wondered, how are we going to survive this,

And in time, my question was answered: Together here.

Little dove I love you so,

but I know you had to go.

So spread your wings

and fly my love,

soar above the world my dove.

Paint the sky in indigo

let your graceful colors flow,

and I’ll search the sky

for your rainbow.

The moment that you left me,

My heart was split in two;

One side was filled with memories;

The other side died with you.

I often lay awake at night

When the world is fast asleep;

And take a walk down memory lane

With tears upon my cheek.

Remembering you is easy,

I do it every day;

But missing you is a heartache

That never goes away.

I hold you tightly within my heart

And there you will remain;

You see life has gone on without you,

But will never be the same.

They push me, they shove me, I splutter and choke,

They pull me down into the blue.

They want me to give up, surrender myself,

But I'll carry on swimming for you.

They sweep me, they swipe me, I look for dry land,

As a wave crashes down from above.

And pinches me under, away from the light.

But I'll carry on, fueled by my love.

They twist me, they turn me, I take in a breath,

And continue my fight with Grief's sea.

I know that these waves will continue to come,

But I'll carry on, grief won't beat me.

There's a box inside my closet

where half my heart belongs.

It's filled with clothes you never wore,

with lullabies and songs.

You were just around the corner,

I'm half a second late,

Still trying to win a race against

this unforgiving fate.

Last night we lit ten candles,

imagined what you'd wish,

Then blew out each blue candle,

and set an extra dish.

You were just around the corner,

I'm half a step away,

Held fast within a memory

of that long-remembered day.

Are you sleeping in the garden?

Are you safe beyond the storm?

Are you cradled in the angels' arms

where nights are always warm?

You were just around the corner,

just beyond my reach,

skipping on the gentle sand

of heaven's golden beach.

In my dreams you're in the courtyard,

or climbing in the tree,

dancing in the shadows

past where mortal eyes can see.

You were just around the corner,

I run to catch your face,

then wake to find my empty arms...

You're gone, without a trace.